End of an Era

[dylar]

I have spent half a lifetime on the run, almost four decades—38 years—of headlong flight from a fact about myself that for most of my life, I couldn't even articulate, and then couldn't bring myself to accept. I lived in ignorance, in denial, and finally, in hiding. In those years I pursued every remedy, tried to fill the gaping hole in the middle of my life with everything, except the one thing that might have made the pain stop. I came to feel like I'd spent life shackled to the corpse of a stillborn child, trapped in a body that had never drawn a breath. And secrets are a heavy burden to bear. So I ran, and I kept on running.

Fishing has been, for me, the one consistent solace in my existence. When I'm on the water, the pain and confusion and the noise in my head melt away for a little while. I can have peace. I can live for a minute, and not feel the weight of the secrets, the fears, the regrets, or the ghost of the child-that-never-was. The fish don't care, so for a little while, I don't have to, either. So, for the last ten years, I've fished like my life depended on it, and, in a way it did. Every year since 2009, I've been on water at least 120 days, and in some years that figure has approached 200.

I don't think I'll make that this year, though. I've stopped running. I've finally found the strength to make peace with myself, and for the medium term future I am likely to be busy taking care of the things I need to do to move on with my life the way I might have done had I never gone on the run to begin with. There's been so much wasted time, and so my sense of urgency is quite high. I just haven't had the time to devote fishing lately that I'm accustomed to, and that may remain the new normal while my life is in transition. I have squeezed in a little time here and there this summer, and I'll leave you with a little peak of what I've been up to when I can make it to the water. I expect this to be a bit of a last hurrah for now. But don't worry, I'll be back, just maybe in a somewhat different guise.

Cheers y'all!

Dylar

 

[Rip Tide]

Good for you
You've got to be yourself

 

[spm]

Dylar,

I don't know what you've been running from or running to, but it sounds like you have found whatever it was you were searching for, and for that I'm happy for you. Maybe your last pic is a clue.

Best of luck to you.
steve

 

[corn fed fins]

Best of luck in your new "guise",

CFF

 

[ejsell]

Phew, thought you were going to say something about picking up a bait caster and starting a worm farm.

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk

 

[ia_trouter]

You haven't posted a lot but I recall you have offered up some sound and friendly advice to me and others on the forum. Best wishes to you and hope to see you back on the water and posting trip threads sometime in the future.

 

[ia_trouter]

Phew, thought you were going to say something about picking up a bait caster and starting a worm farm.

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk

You too? I thought he bought a Chevy truck and became a Yankee's fan there for a minute.

EDIT: Sometimes I type faster than I think. Hope you understand the context of Ejsel's and my silly post. The comment above is now gone but somebody brand new came in with a response (his first here). I think I can speak for Ejsel and say we were trying to lighten the mood. I'd be lying if I said I understand what you are going through. That's not required IMO. You're among friends here. Share some fishing experiences as you always have and I predict you will continue to feel at home here.

To fishfearmebro. You don't have to run off, but that's not how we treat our friends here. I think you already figured that out since you did a quick edit, so just reset and introduce yourself. It will be fine. This is a great forum and we look forward to meeting you..

 

[k_e_v]

Best of luck Dylar, i hope you find the support you need and the peace you deserve

kev

 

[JDR]

All the best to you, Dylar. I hope you maintain the happiness you have finally found. Make your journey count.

 

[Joey Bagels]

Nice fish compilation. Life is too short to not be happy and not be who you are. I’ll hoist one to you tonight at the bar.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[Joey Bagels]

Told you so...

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[Unknownflyman]

Hey Dylar, I`m very happy for you and wish you the best. Keep on fishing!

 

[sparsegraystubble]

This may be an end of one era. But, more importantly, it is the beginning of a new one.

And you may find your fishing just as rewarding when it is no longer an escape. I hope so.

Good luck and stay active here.

Best wishes,

Don

 

[dylar]

You too? I thought he bought a Chevy truck and became a Yankee's fan there for a minute.

EDIT: Sometimes I type faster than I think. Hope you understand the context of Ejsel's and my silly post. The comment above is now gone but somebody brand new came in with a response (his first here). I think I can speak for Ejsel and say we were trying to lighten the mood. I'd be lying if I said I understand what you are going through. That's not required IMO. You're among friends here. Share some fishing experiences as you always have and I predict you will continue to feel at home here.

To fishfearmebro. You don't have to run off, but that's not how we treat our friends here. I think you already figured that out since you did a quick edit, so just reset and introduce yourself. It will be fine. This is a great forum and we look forward to meeting you..

I can't say I really understand it myself. There are many things I learned from my father, most of which are good, and some of which have probably kept me alive over the years. But I did learn some things from him that have been a hindrance in my life, and one of them was a need to understand things before I could address or accept them. I think fishing was what actually broke me of that, helped me to learn to accept things without being compelled to understand. That realization as much as any changed my life.

 

[ia_trouter]

I can't say I really understand it myself. There are many things I learned from my father, most of which are good, and some of which have probably kept me alive over the years. But I did learn some things from him that have been a hindrance in my life, and one of them was a need to understand things before I could address or accept them. I think fishing was what actually broke me of that, helped me to learn to accept things without being compelled to understand. That realization as much as any changed my life.

Claire

I re-read your first post and excuse me for calling you out a little, but with the best of intentions. So you fished 120 days a year for an escape? Fishing that much is hard with weather and such. I am not buying that completely. It's like saying I run 25 miles a week. It's hurts but I'm bored. I'll go as far as to say you loved fishing because it's a damn short list of others on this forum that fish half that many days a year.

So why can't you continue to fish fairly regulary? Because girls don't fish? Good luck selling that one here. It won't fly.

 

[dylar]

Claire

I re-read your first post and excuse me for calling you out a little, but with the best of intentions. So you fished 120 days a year for an escape? Fishing that much is hard with weather and such. I am not buying that completely. It's like saying I run 25 miles a week. It's hurts but I'm bored. I'll go as far as to say you loved fishing because it's a damn short list of others on this forum that fish half that many days a year.

So why can't you continue to fish fairly regulary? Because girls don't fish? Good luck selling that one here. It won't fly.

I think it's likely to be a few months. I just have things to get lined up and in order, and some hard work in therapy ahead. Less available time is all it is. It, too, will pass.

 

[tsmervis]

All the best to you in your journey

 

[dennyk]

dylar, wish you the best with your challenges and changes. For every problem weather it be physical or mental-there is a solution.

Don't forget to wet a line!

Denny

 

[dharkin]

I hope you find happiness and comfort soon dylar, you shouldn't feel the need to run or hide from anything or anyone. We have to be content with the person in the mirror before we can improve anything in our lives. Stay in touch.

Take Care,
Dan

 

[dylar]

I just wanna say thank you to all of y'all. This is a great community and I'm proud to be a part of it.